What is Love?

Where It Begins

Every journey is different. Relationships are a difficult concept to stomach at times. My own journey to my own happiness was not easy. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I believe fate deals us a lot of cards in life.

The Middle Man

I remembered dreaming a lot of my crushes becoming my boyfriend. We all know that one guy in class where we swoon over, and we wish for that guy to reciprocate the same feelings. The middle man I speak of is the middle school years. These years are what I call young love. We have parents who believe that their children are too young at this age to have a significant other. I actually agree with parents who restrict their kids to dating when they are older. I do not disregard the relationships that do succeed and make it to adulthood. However, I have seen too many friends and acquaintances in middle school who dated for what they believed as “true love” end their relationships as quickly as it started. 

I never dated anyone in middle school. There was a constant crush but I always felt like the ugly duckling. I simply knew I was ignored and never noticed by that one guy. I could say my crushes changed around during my three years of middle school. The one crush who stuck with me through middle school and well into high school years was this one guy named X1. I met X1 through a MMORPG game. It was my world back in the day. Before everyone starts bashing, I am not promoting you to just start finding someone on a MMORPG game. If you find love in the MMORPG world, more power to you. If you do find someone you like on a MMORPG, make sure you take every precaution. Do not jump right at it to meet the person or start giving away personal information. People come in all shapes and colors these days, and I highly advise everyone to take precautions. 


Back to X1…

I learned a lot from X1. The learning terms I speak of is how to guard your heart and to make sure you take a boy’s words like a grain of sand at a young age. I was young and naive back then. I dreamed hard that maybe X1 has a crush on me as well. The disappointment came easily with X1. It was obvious but when you are young, you want to be in love like those classic Disney movies. Any girl dreams of finding “Prince Charming”. But it is not reality. X1 was the classic playboy/I could get any female naive enough wrapped around my finger. X1 messaged me when he felt like it, and conversations would end pretty quickly or abruptly. This crush of mine continued through High School. It is hard to tell a girl that some boys are not worth it. But the world we live in creates certain concepts that are broadcast through our televisions. Big surprise right? Every show in the teenage years has a love concept of the main character trying to get together with the person they have their eye on. My middle school years was a total flat line when it came to boys. My advice to younger generation and peeps in middle school: Enjoy your friends and social life, boys and relationships can be started later on during High School or College years. This advice sounds like a lot of crap to a young person who dreams of having a boyfriend. Trust me, the possibility of that guy even liking you back is slim to none. Stick with daydreaming and the right guy will cross paths with you in the future.

The High Tide

High school, high school, high school. Man you can say there was a lot of fluctuations during my high school career when it came to boys. I had the usual crushes, but my second year of high school was when a semi-dating life started. Trust me, there are not many guys during my high school career. I do not have a long list guys I can tick off. But honestly I am okay with that, and A can validate my high school dating life. It was less than three. Let us begin.

B1- Where do I begin with B1? B1 was not someone I dated, but was close to dating. I thought he was cute when he dressed like a normal person. B1 had a particular clothing piece he wore that made him stand out in a negative way. It classified B1 as that weird kid who always wears this particular piece of clothing. We had exchanged the AIM/Facebook stuff due to having some friends that we were connected with.  We messaged for a couple of days and confessions came. We knew we liked each other, however friends can influence you in some way. They tell you who is weird and who the unpopular people are. This particular piece of clothing really got people talking, and I ended up stopping communication with B1. My comfort level was not there, and I did not want to be a social outcast. I was more on the neutral zone. I knew people from different groups that range from the popular to the nerds but I had my own group of friends. So B1 was a lemon.

G1- Oh G1… He was definitely my first official boyfriend. My memory limits me on this because it was one of those fading memory that I did not care too much to keep a hold of. I believe I met G1 from a group of friends. He was seriously a cute/shy guy, but sweet a heart. We did not know each other for that long but we came to be. G1 was another dude who did not last long. This seriously shows how high school dating phase for me, was such a lemon. The relationship I had with G1 lasted for a good month or less? The reason for the break up was due to G1 being clingy, and I was sick and gone for a few days and he never called to check up on me. 

I am sure by now, as you read my relationship life during high school, it clearly shows how my relationship understanding was low. I do not care if you judge me a certain way. But this was my teen years, and I look back to some of these memories and I question why I even tried dating when it was not going to last long. Society, media, and friends are usually the culprits. 

X1- Yes, X1 appears again. He will appear one more time in my beginning adventures of my undergrad years of college/university.  As I have mentioned, X1 was someone I met through a MMORPG game back in later years of middle school. My crush for him was on and off. He was that guy that I would write secretly in my notebooks, hoping he would be mine. Man, X1 was my lesson to learn from type of guy. Let me be clear, I never actually dated X1. The type of relationship X1 and I had is complicated to explain. I hope by shedding some light on my experience with a guy like X1 would get girls to throw a lemon away when they find one. Instead of trying to make hypothetical “lemonade”. A lemon is a lemon when it comes to the relationships and crushes. I finally met X1 after about 5 years of knowing him. I knew he was not some shaggy creepy pedobear because of MySpace (yes the good old MySpace days), and we had video chatted before. Not during my Middle years, but high school years. X1 is older by a couple of years. It was a joke at first where I said my last dance of my high school career was nearing and I would just be going with a group of friends. X1 offered to be my date for the last dance, but I would have to ask in a creative way. I made a card and sent it to him. X1 was a serious learning curve for me. I highly recommend you do not attempt the same mistakes I made as a teen. The mistakes are knowing when there is no honesty to words a guy speaks. I was skeptical of X1 being my date. I was sure he was going to flake on me. I knew he was a person to flake and not be truthful because…

1) I had sent him a Christmas card & a small gift card with an amount to buy at least one pair of new shoes. He said he had sent me a thank you/Christmas card back. He lied and never did.

2) Besides splashing on a little bit of money, I had written him letters. X1 always told me he wrote back, but never got anything from him.

Obviously this guy was using my kindness, and I fell for it. But I decided to give him one last try. It was my last dance, and I wanted my last year in High School to end nicely. There are some regrets. The day of the last dance, X1 did show up. He was a little late but was on time. Here comes the kindness train on repeat. I swear I never learn from my small mistakes and how gullible I was. I allowed him to take my car, because I knew he was the better city driver, because he lived in an area that kept anyone on their toes. We went to dinner with my group of friends that was going with us to the last dance as well. He looked at the menu and said it was too pricey (this was another red flag). The prices of this restaurant was not even that expensive at all and my friends were able to pay and they did not have a problem with the price. I mean come on, I am in high school. I know which places to choose that within my budget. Being the kind person, I offered to share my meal with X1. I mean seriously X1, you had a job and can afford things, and yet I still had to share a meal. The evening went on. We got the venue, when he was parking my car I heard a slight crunch sound. The parking lot was not brightly lit so it looked like no damage was done to my car. The next day I found out from my parents that my left front headlight casing was cracked. I am thankful that my parents gave me a old car. I would of been angry if it was a new car. I swear X1 was just no good for me. We hung out and danced and chatted at the venue. We finally manged to kiss. I was in heaven and thinking, “I think this is the start of something, and maybe he could be my boyfriend.” Boy was I wrong. Close to the end of the evening we were outside and he told me that what happens tonight will end with tonight. The lie he told me was that he was enlisting, and long distance was not going to work. 

BULLSHIT.

When he drove us back to my friend’s house to get his car. We actually made out a little more. The moment got pretty heated, but I knew I was not ready for my virginity to be taken. I was so glad it was just X1 seeing my chest, and a few minutes later my group of friends got home. So the make out session concluded. We said out good byes and that was that.

Overall, my high school experience was a roller coaster. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to not waste time and money on X1. He is the one I regretted the most. He broke my heart, and I was played like a fool. My advice for high school kids: Do not get caught up in the moment. Do not let someone take advantage of your kindness, whether it is sharing or spending a few bucks. If there is no real return, move on. High school is high school. When a dude lies to you or flakes, do not give second chances. The more chances you give, the more he will abuse your kindness and sincerity. You will be left with nothing but cringe worthy memories. I believe that anything that revolves around sex should be as simple as this: Always use protection, and only experience it when you are truly ready in your heart and mind. Do not rush into anything. Do not let your hormones dictate your choices or judgement. I was glad I did not lose my virginity to X1. It would of been one memory I would not like living down.

The University Pie

University.I feel like the teenage years spill a lot. I was still young and naive. But hey, teenagers are slowly learning and understanding. We see things as adults, that our younger selves do not see. But it is okay. We are humans and every experience must be learned.

X1- I swear this guy just clung to my life. I never learned the first time and I still managed to send him another gift card for another pair of shoes for his birthday. Do not worry, this was the last time I spent another dime on him. Now before you freak out or ask where I am getting money. It was from allowances or special holidays that I receive my cash flow. Still young and naive. Besides the birthday gift I sent, I wanted to spend more time with X1. I thought there was hope since he was not “enlisting” anymore. I feel like I was at my all time low. My naive self trying to obtain a guy that was a huge rotting lemon. The two stupid things I did were as follows, and this is an eye opener for girls to not be as gullible and how people make mistakes:

  1. High School came and gone. First year of University. I wanted to hangout with X1, but I was not willing to make the trip to visit. He lived a good distance. The exchange for the meet up was to video chat and flash him my breasts for a good twenty seconds. I swear it shows you just how horny X1 was trying to get into my pants. I hope X1 never took any screenshots. Who knows, but this was a one time thing and was never repeated. This got him to visit a week later. 
  2. More of the stupid train. We met up at my place that I stayed in University. The place was empty. We ended up watching TV and ended up making out. He ended up lightly brushing against my lady part with his fingers. But at the moment I stopped him saying I was on my period and I was not up for it. I am sure he was disappointed because he said he saw no blood when he felt me up a little. But I was not ready, and my period was coming to an end. He just was not the one for me. After our small heated make out session, we went to grab food and we parted ways. I am glad he did not push me further. I am sure he was disappointed that I cocked blocked him from getting what he wanted.

What can I say? Young, naive, hormones, being gullible. These are just a handful of words that I can come up with right now. X1 was someone that boils my blood. He is a great example for ladies to understand that good looking guys can end up being the jerks. Lemons stay as lemons. I hope X1 shows you a side that not all guys are worth your time.

K1- Oh man. He was another lesson learned. Definitely another guy who was horny. I swear teenage guys who are not getting laid, want to be laid. Hormones hormones. We had a movie night, that movie night ended up in a make up session and him fondling my breasts in his car in the parking lot. Seriously?! As I think back. What is with young guys and wanting to look at my breasts?! K1 was in the dumps and out of my life because he kept pestering to hang out, and I did not want another X1 in my life again. I do not like guys who nag to try and hang out. Obviously I did not want it to be a repeat of another guy trying to get into my pants or wanting me to get into his. UGH!

Y1- My relationship ended with him because I was never truly comfortable with him. I knew him for a month. Another friend and I met Y1 and his group of friends on another MMORPG game. Yes I seem to be drawn into finding guys on MMORPG, and honestly it does not phase me. I take it like it is online dating. I felt like we hardly knew each other and I feel like it was a crush more than anything. His future ambitions did not match the lifestyle I had, and I knew my parents would not approve. I know love is suppose to overcome everything and it does not matter what status a guy has. But money and stability play a factor. Financial means are important, because how are you going to survive? This is my own views. I still believe in falling in love and that there is a guy that meets what I am looking for. But he can not just give up and live above what he sets for himself. But the relationship ended when he compared me to one of his ex-girlfriends. That is just a deal breaker. Not only that but he attempted to chase after my car and when I was at a stop sign, he hit my window to try to get my attention. I just kept driving and ignoring him. 

O1- This guy defined tradition. I knew him for a good week or two. I had decided to give him a go because he seemed nice and he was closer to home. My advice, seriously get to know a person. We had so many bumps. First, I did not spend enough time with him (hanging out, going on dates). So we had a long conversation, and it ended up in a situation where I would meet his parents and siblings. WOW! Just close to two weeks of dating and I already have to meet his parents. He even wanted to meet mine. So he drove up to where I live and met my parents for a good hour or so. He did not stay for long because I had a family event that day. When I met his parents, all hell broke loose. I met his siblings and his parents. We ended up cuddling and watching a movie. We ended up making out and him grinding against me. I told him I was not ready for sex and wanted to wait till marriage. I was still in my traditional mindset that sex was for marriage. My views have changed a lot since I was younger. I no longer believe sex is restricted for marriage, but it simply an act that is pursued when a girl is ready to have sex. There should be no pressure from a guy and when a girl just knows she will not hold any regrets when she does have sex for the first time. But at this time with O1, my mindset was still very traditional. Probably because I was still not comfortable with the whole sex thing. After the make out session, O1 also told me he looks/watches porn. That was a huge turn off for me. I think a girl should ask the “do you watch porn” question. I know communication and honesty is key in a relationship. But something so random that is blurted to a girl who was still pretty traditional really extinguishes the mood. Huge turn off. The day just goes downhill further. After dinner with his parents and siblings. I returned home, and O1 messages me on MSN. He tells me that I should CHANGE for him and next time I should help his mother out with cleaning and cooking. Look it was my first time meeting the parents situation. Sorry if I did not bring the dishes to the sink. I was still really nervous and blanked out. What ended the relationship was him telling me to change. I am sorry but that is a number rule in relationships. Do not tell someone to change. In doing so, the girl or guy seals the fate of the relationship. Sorry but I was not ready to be a “wife” material after just dating the guy for two weeks. My best advice, GET TO KNOW THE DUDE! There is no point in starting the relationship when you do not start out as friends. Play 50 questions or something. Just know the person for more than a month. Do not jump at something after just two weeks. That was my downfall during my first two relationships of University year one. I was glad I broke it off with O1 because when I was returning his jacket during class, my friend threw it back but it missed the table he was aiming for. My two friends and I started laughing and O1 got really pissed and stared right at me and yelled “Fucking pick that up!”. I continued to laugh with my friends and told him, that I was not the one who threw it and I was not planning to pick it up. The laughter and snickers did not help the situation on my part. The reason is because it probably made O1 think I was the culprit. What ever. I never picked up the jacket. I am just glad I found out he had a angry side after we broke up, and that I never saw O1’s angry side during the three weeks I was dating him. Who knows what the outcome was if we were still dating. Possible verbal abuse? Who knows. I am thankful there is an angel out there watching over me when I make mistakes.

The “Now”

I am happy to say after breaking up with O1, I had gone back to someone I had originally started talking to in the Winter back in the Uni days. I did not mention him in my past experiences because this is a special story. I will save the long story for another post. A quick summary for all the ones who do not like a cliffhanger… This guy is someone I met on a MMORPG (haha, yes that is my trending dating theme). I had stopped talking to this person for a month because I had decided the distance was too great to have a relationship. That is why I gave O1 a chance. However, I started to talk to this wonderful person again after O1 and I’s relationship ended. We seriously hit it off and talked from when we woke up to when we went to bed. This amazing guy does not get a code. For I will call him, mi amor. Mi amor and I talked for a solid half a year. Getting to know each other. To this day we are still happily in love and continuing strong. He is “my everything”.

Till my next post. 

I hoped this gives you a little insight of my journey through relationships. They are never easy and the biggest things to remember are:

  • Communication is always needed
  • Honesty best policy
  • Get to know the person for more than just a week or two
  • If a guy is a lemon, they stay a lemon. So toss it away and do not give it anymore chances or anymore of your time.
  • You will find the person you are meant to be with.
  • No such thing as perfect, but there is a “perfect” person that is meant for you.
  • Do not cave to pressure. Do what you feel is right and not right for the guy.

Love & Peace,

N

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