I am having one of those moments. A lot has happened in the last twenty-four hours and it is a lot to take in. I am not a love expert, I am expressing my beliefs, and the way I see things. I am in a long distance relationship, and have been for the past 5 (going into 6) years. I do not claim I know everything there is when it comes to long distance relationships, but I know not to get my head stuck too far into the clouds. The question and statements that get brought up by coworkers and friends is “when is the wedding?” or “you guys should just get married!”. My answer is simply this, I am not ready. I want to figure out my career path for a Master’s Degree. I want to hold a career that enables me to not be locked into one geographical location. I want to be able to be independent and support myself. I do not want my future husband to be the one to “bring home the bacon.” I believe women should not follow the beliefs that were maintained in the 1950s. The “husband” of the family is not the ONLY person who should be making the income. I believe marriage is fulfilling the fairytale/fantasy that you found true love or soul mate and you are ready to commit. On the contrary, marriage is not something you rush full speed and complete as soon as possible. I am guilty of living in the clouds before, everyone lives in those same thoughts because we grew up with that mindset. We sometimes get the main idea that our love life is like a Disney movie where in the end we quickly get hitched and live a “happily ever after.” We might not know the prince for a very long time, but hey if potential princesses like Belle or Cinderella can know their prince will give them a happily ever after, why not marry them? It does not matter to Cinderella if she only spoke to Prince Charming for a few hours, or Belle spending a season or two with the Beast. The audience knows that the princess only knows the prince for a small window of time, and the climatic scenes begin. After all the chaos, the princess will marry her prince after all the dust settles with the bad guys exiting the scene. Disney movies continue nurturing young minds with the happy fairytale.
Trust me, I love my Disney movies. However, reality is different from fictional stories.
The reality to any love story is that a small window (5 months to a year) is not a wise idea. Depending on the situation. I am not a love expert. My relationship is not perfect, but to me, my boyfriend is perfect for me. There is no such thing as a perfect guy. I still have yet to tell the story of how we met, but that is still going to be for another day. The small window I am talking about is the time span you spent time with your significant other. I am not talking about a spouse, but before you tie the knot. My main concern spans from a friend who recently got proposed to. Trust me, I am over the moon happy that she got her wish to get that proposal. On the other hand, I was hoping for her boyfriend (now fiancé) would have proposed in a more romantic setting and utilized more of the location they were at. It was disappointing he chose a quick restaurant when there was many other options he had at his disposal. Yet, I am not trying to focus on the lackluster proposal but the time they knew each other. They met on a MMORPG, and talked here and there. They finally spent a little time with each other when my friend (let us call her E8) drove up north with her family to visit relatives. They started dating last year in the summer and celebrating their first year anniversary this year. That is the backbone of E8’s story. I do not speak to E8 on a regular schedule each week, but we do make time to make a phone call or two when we have the time. I found out that the sound of wedding bells was something they spoke of possibly sometime this year. The subject was brought up between them during one of their vacation time. E8 and her boyfriend have a schedule where they would book flights to visit each during vacation time (a similar format as to what mi amor and I have done for the past six years). The distance E8 and her boyfriend is minimal compared to my relationship, but it is still a long distance one. What draws a frown to my face is not the proposal, but what her future plans will be after she ties the knot. I am still making sure I have my back up plans and I already told mi amor he is allowed to propose once I am done with my masters. E8 never finished her goals of becoming a teacher, and she has no alternative plans. I would not approve of a wedding of my own till I accomplish my big set goals. They are slowly being completed, but I do intend to finish them in a timely manner. I want what is best for E8, and I wish she stuck her head out of the clouds once in a while to analyze what her future will be once she marries. Also, I move a little unbalanced with more updates from E8. I found out it has been a week since she was proposed to, and her fiancé has yet to break the news to his own parents. I was left speechless.
If you were going to propose to your girlfriend, is there some old fashion rule that the boyfriend informs his own parents, and asks the girlfriend’s father for his blessings? I mean the whole asking the father is outdated, but at least informing your own parents is important, right? Apparently, E8 tells me that her fiancé is planning to take his parents out for a dinner and break the news to them. In the mean time, his parents are super busy moving their store, and he has no plans to break any of the wonderful news. Still jaw dropping right now. Shocked. No words to express my feelings right now.
I just hope E8 understands that marriage is not all fun and games. I do not think she even fully knows what she dislikes about her future in-laws. Just from my observations, there are some traits and habits that a girlfriend or boyfriend finds out about their potential future in-laws after spending a good timeframe getting to know them. Let us be real, there is no such thing as the “perfect in-laws.” It is a myth to presume your future in-laws came from a fairytale book. You know what you like and dislike. When you establish that your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s parents are awesome, you know that is a lie. The real truth is that you met them multiple times, but you have not stayed with them long enough to find out their other characteristics. E8 has walked into this description. The assumptions she made is how grand and peachy her future in-laws are going to be, and she knows she is getting a great family. All sunshine and smiles. You got to be kidding me right? She should think long and hard before she ties the knot. Things she should be thinking about are…
- Where will we live after the wedding?
- Will we both share the financial burden when owning a future home?
- Am I stable enough to take up any mortgage, health, home, and car insurances when my significant other does not have a job?
- Do I know my future in-laws? Do I have a list of pros and cons?
Come on people, the reality hits pretty hard when it comes to finances and knowing what you are getting into. If marriage is all E8 seeks, that is fine. It is her wish and her future not mine. However, I hate to see E8 hit all these forks in the road after she gets married. I know, we all make mistakes and I should just let her make the mistakes. She will learn. On the contrary, I want to be like Holden in The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, where he wants to be the person who wants to prevent kids from taking on the burden of growing up to fast. The burden of being thrust into the adult world and not being able to be a kid. I want to try to give advice to my friends who should keep an open mind. I do not mean to criticize, but I do not want to sugar coat everything for a friend who lives in the clouds. Reality hits, and it hits pretty hard. This is my way of sharing a little piece of me. We should be able to support and share burdens equally in a relationship. I want to tell her, but the last time I was one hundred percent honest with her, she goes and complains to another friend. Why bother to try again? Let me know what you guys think of this whole situation.
All the Best,