When Life Does Not Throw You a Bone

Yeah, you heard me.

Life is always hard, constant struggle, and it all comes down to commodity and consumerism.

People find alternatives to stray away from capitalism and the hegemonic holds that society has always accepted. What I mean by this is, people just give up worldly possessions or material things and live off the land without a care. I wish life was a lovely song that always is sung in tune. Funny how life is not always like that. However, we always chose how we want to live our lives. I chose to live under the umbrella of what everyday people do. I am living the conventional stages of life: go through preschool to high school, get into a good university, apply to grad school, and lastly get a job. Unless I get a PhD, which is highly unlikely.

My path is not always a straight one, but tell me who’s path is always a straight one? Who has a path that does not always lands on forks to make you choose one over the other?

I wish everyone was given a free one million dollar freebie when they are born. That money would be an easier starter when the future hits and you are not forced to worry constantly that you have to find a job right away. In my fantasy world, it would be great to have but we never evolved in that direction for everyone to be equals.

I am writing this because I am a big portion of the pie that everyone else is in. We graduate university and the next step is find a job or apply to grad school (or both). However, a big chunk of us graduate and we are lost. I have been through some experience, yet I am forced to face reality a little faster than anticipated. I am lost still and trying to find my way. I was not ready to get job and had little preparation than I had hoped. I have not yet succeeded in finding something within my list. Maybe I am narrowing the search way too much or my criteria is not open enough. I have no idea. I am still feeling rather under the weather because my current boss is on the fence. I am going to reference my boss as “Boss S”. Boss S has recently applied for jobs. I was not expecting Boss S to be able to find a new place so soon. I thought I had more time, but I was mistaken. I am forced out of employment and into a hermit at home. I mean Boss S has not decided yet, and it is frustrating Boss S is on the fence of what they want to do. Boss S is giving me a whip lash I do not want. It is a constant pull of stay or go. It frustrates me because I do not know what the crap Boss S wants. I know deep in my gut Boss S is going to for sure leave. Why pull on my heartstrings so much? Just make a decision and go with it. I know it is a big choice, but Boss S was so adamant in leaving and wanting a new job. Boss S got it. I hate having my job hang in the hands of others sometimes. I understand why people decide to open and run their own businesses, but that is not my cup of tea. I am trying to figure out my life and what I should do. I put all my beans in one jar too soon. Boss S had gotten my hopes up way too soon, and Boss S just throws me in the dumps after I come back from a short time away. You can see how heartless people are these days. You think you know someone, but at the end of the day it comes down to yourself and putting yourself first. Selfish human beings we are. Makes it very frustrating. I hope Boss S gets what they wanted. Boss S wanted more money and they are getting it. Sometimes you just have to count on yourself and someone you love and trust. Not every human being is going to be nice and sweet to you. If they do, just make sure to keep alternatives/back up. If only I kept up with finding a job early on. I got too comfortable and that ended up to my own demise in the end.

Also, a lot of family stuff as well. “A heart’s a heavy burden…” –Howl’s Moving Castle (2004). That is something that I want left alone. As much as I want to pour my heart out on that.

But back to the original thoughts…my advice is to watch your own self first. It all comes down to that. Make sure you give yourself back up plans in case someone screws you over…

Time for bed.

 

XO,

N

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