Bringing on the Heartache (part 2)

New Flame:

I got tired moping about Michael, so my very good friend N thought I should try online dating and see what’s out there. After taking her advice into consideration, the heartbreak over Michael finally ended until I found myself obsessing with someone else I “met” from an online dating site. He was a really cute Belgian guy, but unfortunately, our values were not compatible and I got catfished. When we were messaging each other, I felt very uncomfortable during the entire conversation because he kept asking me questions about sex when I had the mindset of saving my virginity until marriage. I tried asking questions about his personal interests, but he kept continuing the topic about sex. He was looking for a submissive partner since he was very interested in BDSM. I only cried for 5 minutes that it didn’t pan out, and my other good friend gave me a reality check that I created an image of him that wasn’t based on reality. In the next few days, I found out he had a girlfriend, and he was bald (he posted photos of himself from 3 years ago when he still had hair). What I learned from this Belgian guy and the first month of online dating is 1) sex is pretty important for the vast majority of guys 2) I should stop creating an image about the guy and accept the reality version of him. I also created an image of Michael that wasn’t real, which also explains why I had a hard time letting him go.

Another Flame:

When I moved on after the Belgian guy, I tried Tinder. At that time, I did not take Tinder seriously because I knew it is notoriously known for hookups, but I was curious to see what was on there and didn’t care about finding “The One.” During the swiping process, I came across a guy named Corey. He and I are mutual friends with someone from college on Facebook. I did not think he was a good looking guy, but I was intrigued with him because he was a skater and an amateur photographer who went to the same college I did. It took me a good 3 to 5 minutes to decide whether to swipe left or right. I decided to give him a chance and swiped right. We matched, he messaged me first, and we exchanged Snapchat usernames. He seemed really nice, and I thought that it would be cool to be friends with him. When sent me his first selfie on Snapchat, I fell really hard for him, and I never expected that to happen.

My heart was racing every time he sent me a snap, and I always looked forward to receiving snaps from him. I blushed pretty badly when he said I was cute and pretty, and I always sent him “good night” snaps with a blow kiss. I had trouble sleeping at night because I was too happy and infatuated to fall asleep. A few days later, he asked me out on a date, but my friends thought it was odd when I had to bug him about the time/place that the date was taking place. When we finally met in person, he kept me warm from the cold breeze by putting his arm around me as we roamed around the dark. We also cuddled on a bench and gazed at the night sky under the moonlight. Before we parted ways, I kissed him first. I found myself lost in paradise when I was in his arms, and that kiss felt magical because it was the first time sharing a kiss with someone whom I really liked.

After the date, he slowly distanced himself up to the point he stopped sending me snaps. Insecurity hit me, and I had trouble sleeping again because I was up all night worrying if 1) he’s losing interest in me 2) there are other girls in his life besides me. Two weeks after our first date, I decided to ask if he was interested in getting to know me more, and then my heart was torn into pieces when he told me that he was not interested in a relationship. Although I cried my eyes out, I respected his personal choice, and I didn’t mind keeping in touch with him as friends because he was not rude to me. I asked him about the photo shoot he had “promised” before we exchanged Snapchat usernames, he said he was down and we discussed briefly about it.

When I sent him a snap of my photo shoot outfit after he asked for a photo, he said I looked really sexy in thigh high socks. Then, I found myself sending him multiple snaps of me wearing faux garter stockings, and he wanted to meet up again at his place. I also let him pick my outfit of the night when we meet up. Again, I had to bug him about the time/place. When I saw him, I thought he looked really sexy in his motorcycle leather jacket. It felt really amazing when he French kissed me. I lied on his bed while he was on top of me, and it was a hookup experience, even though penetration was not involved. He hesitated to take my virginity because he knew I had feelings for him. He also expressed his guilt for being “a bad person” and apologized that he wasn’t interested in a relationship at the moment. He told me he got out of a super serious relationship with his girlfriend, and everything had been flings ever since because he didn’t want to deal with the drama anymore. I thought it was nice of him to treat me out for dinner, even if we didn’t have sex. It was hard for me to let him go when I kissed him good-bye, but it had to end. The photo shoot never happened, although I did ask him about it a couple days later after the hookup. It’s understandable that he ignored me because it must have been awkward for him to take photos of a girl with whom he almost shared a bed when guilty feelings were involved.

Things didn’t feel right when he showed flaky behavior before the first date, and I would not have been hurt if I listened to my instincts that he was not interested in a relationship. I didn’t get hurt because of emotional investment. I ended up getting hurt because I hoped for the possibility of a budding relationship when he didn’t show true effort. Two heartbreaks taught me to not be emotionally invested and to not hope for the possibility of love.

– A


Bringing on the Heartache (part 1)

I had never been lucky in finding love, and the pain added up after four consecutive heartaches. Blogging my memories can help relieve the pain, and it turns out that I brought on the heartache on myself all this time. I should have known better when extra precautions could have been taken to avoid dumb decisions, but what’s done is done, and I take my experiences as personal life lessons.

The first heartbreak was back in middle school. I had a really huge crush on him because he always asked if I was ok when I was sad, and he stood up for me when another guy was critiquing my violin skills. I wrote a note to tell him that I liked him, he ignored me for the rest of his life, and then I cried for 8 months and got over it. I was stupid for getting mad at N for liking the same guy *EPIC FACE PALM* that was sooo mature of me. Other than that, we made up and are still very good friends. I didn’t learn much about this experience, other than the fact I had the balls to confess. A lot of girls I know wait for the guy to do 100% of the moves.

Six years later, I met this guy named Michael during TA office hours for my math class back in sophomore year of college. Then, I asked him if he wanted to be my hw buddy since 1) he was the first person I talked to in that class 2) I didn’t know anyone else in that class 3) I prefer double checking my answers with someone before turning in hw. He agreed to be hw buddies, so we exchanged numbers. My first impression of him was “socially awkward, not cute, very introverted,” and liking him or dating him was the last thing on my mind. However, I started liking him over time because he randomly helped me prepare for a midterm for another math class (real analysis) without me asking. He spent hours helping me until I completely understood the concepts. I struggled a lot in math after calculus, so his efforts really meant a lot to me. Although he agreed to help me prepare for my second real analysis midterm, he never bothered showing up in the library to help me. I’m pretty sure he could tell that I was upset with him since I completely ignored him when I saw him again. He approached me by asking me about that midterm (which shows he remembered I had that test), and he made up for his “broken promise” by helping me on math hw without me asking. Over time, it was obvious that he was annoyed with me asking too many questions, which is understandable because I’m sure he was stressing over other classes. After that quarter was over, I made up my mind to get over him because a guy breaking promises is a negative quality.

I never saw him again until junior year of fall quarter. I saw him in the music lecture hall, but I completely ignored him. However, he followed me out of the lecture hall just to say “hi” to me. We were also taking the same math class together in fall quarter. Afterwards, he started sitting next to me in every lecture during math and music. Shortly, he broke the physical barrier, and the feelings came back. I kept thinking that he liked me since 1) he helped me out a lot in math and spent hours helping without me asking 2) he kept staring at me during class 3) his arm lightly touched mine in every lecture. I decided to make the first move by inviting him out to a date. After I asked him out, I noticed that he was happier than usual, and his entire body was leaning against mine. When fall quarter ended, I was hoping that he would take more initiative, but I cried for months over the fact that he never made the effort to reach out to me.

Over time, things started repeating itself: I ignored him during spring quarter and told myself to get over him, he could tell that I was upset with him so he reached out to talk to me again, feelings rebounded but I told myself to get over him completely after summer, he offered to help me in math over the summer and spent 7 hours helping me on 3 “easy” hw problems, feelings came back again, I got hurt after he “broke his promise” for not helping me.

Despite the same vicious cycle of him distancing himself and “breaking promises,” I became emotionally attached to him after summer. I really liked him a lot, and I accepted his imperfections. We never took any classes together during senior year, and I still asked him out twice during fall quarter and beginning of winter quarter. He never showed any effort, but I decided to confess my feelings and take the chance. Unfortunately, he said he never felt the same way and said he was still down to hangout whenever I want. I waited until spring quarter to hang out with him again. He did tell me that he wasn’t going to worry about dating until after 30, he could never marry someone after a couple years of dating, and marriage could never happen during grad school. I wanted to spend one last time with him before we say goodbye to each other, but I got hurt over the fact that he seemed grumpy when I asked if he wanted to hang out. When we met up, he acted like he didn’t even want to hang out with me, and he could tell that I was really mad at him since I never said a word to him. Afterwards, he became nicer and we started talking again. I asked a friendly stranger to take a picture of us. When we were posing for the camera, he held me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. The last time I ever saw him was graduation day.

I still pursued Michael, even if he never put in the effort, because I thought he was socially awkward, and also he was a true introvert. His body language appeared to show that he liked me back, but unfortunately, no effort meant not interested in a relationship. Up to this day, I still believe he liked me, but he didn’t want a relationship. If he didn’t like me, why would his body keep touching mine in class and on the bus? Why would he hold me so tightly when we posed for the camera? I would have been standing awkward as fuck if a guy I didn’t like wanted to take a photo with me. It took two years to let him go because it was extremely rare to have someone show mutual attraction. I kept questioning, “Why reject me if you showed signs that you liked me back?” After dealing with my second heartbreak, I learned to not be emotionally attached to a guy.

– A