Bringing on the Heartache (part 1)

I had never been lucky in finding love, and the pain added up after four consecutive heartaches. Blogging my memories can help relieve the pain, and it turns out that I brought on the heartache on myself all this time. I should have known better when extra precautions could have been taken to avoid dumb decisions, but what’s done is done, and I take my experiences as personal life lessons.

The first heartbreak was back in middle school. I had a really huge crush on him because he always asked if I was ok when I was sad, and he stood up for me when another guy was critiquing my violin skills. I wrote a note to tell him that I liked him, he ignored me for the rest of his life, and then I cried for 8 months and got over it. I was stupid for getting mad at N for liking the same guy *EPIC FACE PALM* that was sooo mature of me. Other than that, we made up and are still very good friends. I didn’t learn much about this experience, other than the fact I had the balls to confess. A lot of girls I know wait for the guy to do 100% of the moves.

Six years later, I met this guy named Michael during TA office hours for my math class back in sophomore year of college. Then, I asked him if he wanted to be my hw buddy since 1) he was the first person I talked to in that class 2) I didn’t know anyone else in that class 3) I prefer double checking my answers with someone before turning in hw. He agreed to be hw buddies, so we exchanged numbers. My first impression of him was “socially awkward, not cute, very introverted,” and liking him or dating him was the last thing on my mind. However, I started liking him over time because he randomly helped me prepare for a midterm for another math class (real analysis) without me asking. He spent hours helping me until I completely understood the concepts. I struggled a lot in math after calculus, so his efforts really meant a lot to me. Although he agreed to help me prepare for my second real analysis midterm, he never bothered showing up in the library to help me. I’m pretty sure he could tell that I was upset with him since I completely ignored him when I saw him again. He approached me by asking me about that midterm (which shows he remembered I had that test), and he made up for his “broken promise” by helping me on math hw without me asking. Over time, it was obvious that he was annoyed with me asking too many questions, which is understandable because I’m sure he was stressing over other classes. After that quarter was over, I made up my mind to get over him because a guy breaking promises is a negative quality.

I never saw him again until junior year of fall quarter. I saw him in the music lecture hall, but I completely ignored him. However, he followed me out of the lecture hall just to say “hi” to me. We were also taking the same math class together in fall quarter. Afterwards, he started sitting next to me in every lecture during math and music. Shortly, he broke the physical barrier, and the feelings came back. I kept thinking that he liked me since 1) he helped me out a lot in math and spent hours helping without me asking 2) he kept staring at me during class 3) his arm lightly touched mine in every lecture. I decided to make the first move by inviting him out to a date. After I asked him out, I noticed that he was happier than usual, and his entire body was leaning against mine. When fall quarter ended, I was hoping that he would take more initiative, but I cried for months over the fact that he never made the effort to reach out to me.

Over time, things started repeating itself: I ignored him during spring quarter and told myself to get over him, he could tell that I was upset with him so he reached out to talk to me again, feelings rebounded but I told myself to get over him completely after summer, he offered to help me in math over the summer and spent 7 hours helping me on 3 “easy” hw problems, feelings came back again, I got hurt after he “broke his promise” for not helping me.

Despite the same vicious cycle of him distancing himself and “breaking promises,” I became emotionally attached to him after summer. I really liked him a lot, and I accepted his imperfections. We never took any classes together during senior year, and I still asked him out twice during fall quarter and beginning of winter quarter. He never showed any effort, but I decided to confess my feelings and take the chance. Unfortunately, he said he never felt the same way and said he was still down to hangout whenever I want. I waited until spring quarter to hang out with him again. He did tell me that he wasn’t going to worry about dating until after 30, he could never marry someone after a couple years of dating, and marriage could never happen during grad school. I wanted to spend one last time with him before we say goodbye to each other, but I got hurt over the fact that he seemed grumpy when I asked if he wanted to hang out. When we met up, he acted like he didn’t even want to hang out with me, and he could tell that I was really mad at him since I never said a word to him. Afterwards, he became nicer and we started talking again. I asked a friendly stranger to take a picture of us. When we were posing for the camera, he held me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. The last time I ever saw him was graduation day.

I still pursued Michael, even if he never put in the effort, because I thought he was socially awkward, and also he was a true introvert. His body language appeared to show that he liked me back, but unfortunately, no effort meant not interested in a relationship. Up to this day, I still believe he liked me, but he didn’t want a relationship. If he didn’t like me, why would his body keep touching mine in class and on the bus? Why would he hold me so tightly when we posed for the camera? I would have been standing awkward as fuck if a guy I didn’t like wanted to take a photo with me. It took two years to let him go because it was extremely rare to have someone show mutual attraction. I kept questioning, “Why reject me if you showed signs that you liked me back?” After dealing with my second heartbreak, I learned to not be emotionally attached to a guy.

– A

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