I got tired moping about Michael, so my very good friend N thought I should try online dating and see what’s out there. After taking her advice into consideration, the heartbreak over Michael finally ended until I found myself obsessing with someone else I “met” from an online dating site. He was a really cute Belgian guy, but unfortunately, our values were not compatible and I got catfished. When we were messaging each other, I felt very uncomfortable during the entire conversation because he kept asking me questions about sex when I had the mindset of saving my virginity until marriage. I tried asking questions about his personal interests, but he kept continuing the topic about sex. He was looking for a submissive partner since he was very interested in BDSM. I only cried for 5 minutes that it didn’t pan out, and my other good friend gave me a reality check that I created an image of him that wasn’t based on reality. In the next few days, I found out he had a girlfriend, and he was bald (he posted photos of himself from 3 years ago when he still had hair). What I learned from this Belgian guy and the first month of online dating is 1) sex is pretty important for the vast majority of guys 2) I should stop creating an image about the guy and accept the reality version of him. I also created an image of Michael that wasn’t real, which also explains why I had a hard time letting him go.
When I moved on after the Belgian guy, I tried Tinder. At that time, I did not take Tinder seriously because I knew it is notoriously known for hookups, but I was curious to see what was on there and didn’t care about finding “The One.” During the swiping process, I came across a guy named Corey. He and I are mutual friends with someone from college on Facebook. I did not think he was a good looking guy, but I was intrigued with him because he was a skater and an amateur photographer who went to the same college I did. It took me a good 3 to 5 minutes to decide whether to swipe left or right. I decided to give him a chance and swiped right. We matched, he messaged me first, and we exchanged Snapchat usernames. He seemed really nice, and I thought that it would be cool to be friends with him. When sent me his first selfie on Snapchat, I fell really hard for him, and I never expected that to happen.
My heart was racing every time he sent me a snap, and I always looked forward to receiving snaps from him. I blushed pretty badly when he said I was cute and pretty, and I always sent him “good night” snaps with a blow kiss. I had trouble sleeping at night because I was too happy and infatuated to fall asleep. A few days later, he asked me out on a date, but my friends thought it was odd when I had to bug him about the time/place that the date was taking place. When we finally met in person, he kept me warm from the cold breeze by putting his arm around me as we roamed around the dark. We also cuddled on a bench and gazed at the night sky under the moonlight. Before we parted ways, I kissed him first. I found myself lost in paradise when I was in his arms, and that kiss felt magical because it was the first time sharing a kiss with someone whom I really liked.
After the date, he slowly distanced himself up to the point he stopped sending me snaps. Insecurity hit me, and I had trouble sleeping again because I was up all night worrying if 1) he’s losing interest in me 2) there are other girls in his life besides me. Two weeks after our first date, I decided to ask if he was interested in getting to know me more, and then my heart was torn into pieces when he told me that he was not interested in a relationship. Although I cried my eyes out, I respected his personal choice, and I didn’t mind keeping in touch with him as friends because he was not rude to me. I asked him about the photo shoot he had “promised” before we exchanged Snapchat usernames, he said he was down and we discussed briefly about it.
When I sent him a snap of my photo shoot outfit after he asked for a photo, he said I looked really sexy in thigh high socks. Then, I found myself sending him multiple snaps of me wearing faux garter stockings, and he wanted to meet up again at his place. I also let him pick my outfit of the night when we meet up. Again, I had to bug him about the time/place. When I saw him, I thought he looked really sexy in his motorcycle leather jacket. It felt really amazing when he French kissed me. I lied on his bed while he was on top of me, and it was a hookup experience, even though penetration was not involved. He hesitated to take my virginity because he knew I had feelings for him. He also expressed his guilt for being “a bad person” and apologized that he wasn’t interested in a relationship at the moment. He told me he got out of a super serious relationship with his girlfriend, and everything had been flings ever since because he didn’t want to deal with the drama anymore. I thought it was nice of him to treat me out for dinner, even if we didn’t have sex. It was hard for me to let him go when I kissed him good-bye, but it had to end. The photo shoot never happened, although I did ask him about it a couple days later after the hookup. It’s understandable that he ignored me because it must have been awkward for him to take photos of a girl with whom he almost shared a bed when guilty feelings were involved.
Things didn’t feel right when he showed flaky behavior before the first date, and I would not have been hurt if I listened to my instincts that he was not interested in a relationship. I didn’t get hurt because of emotional investment. I ended up getting hurt because I hoped for the possibility of a budding relationship when he didn’t show true effort. Two heartbreaks taught me to not be emotionally invested and to not hope for the possibility of love.