Bringing on the Heartache (part 3)

I initially envisioned an innocent fling without any expectations of a relationship by going on random dates where cuddling, holding hands, and kisses were involved. I got tired of getting hurt when “love” comes into the picture, so I thought flings could be a less hectic alternative to help me “forget” Corey and fill the void . I remember how insecurity tormented my soul when I fell really hard for Corey and Michael, and I didn’t want to deal with that shit anymore. However, the story about Hunter turned out a lot darker and complicated than I intended.

THE BEGINNING / FIRST MEET:

I matched with Hunter on Tinder approximately 3 weeks after the hookup incident with Corey. Hunter sent me a really cute pickup line, and I thought he was a charming, fun and interesting guy. Hunter and I texted each other for a week before meeting in person.

I never saw myself fucking a guy on first meet, but it happened. Hunter was and will be the only guy who could change my decision about no sex on first meet. If another guy attempted what Hunter did, it will not feel as exciting, and I don’t see myself giving in. No one else will ever beat what Hunter did. I chose to give my virginity to Hunter because I justified:

  • I didn’t think I’ll ever get to fuck a guy I truly like until a very long time, and I should have done it with Corey. Why not do it now with Hunter and pretend that Hunter is Corey? Hunter wanted sex that badly, so I let him have my body.
  •  I thought that fucking Hunter in public would make a very good story on how I lost my virginity. He set up the environment and mood so nicely that I couldn’t resist the adrenaline rush haha.

INTENTIONS / SECOND MEET:

He wanted to meet again, but I immediately told him I wasn’t looking for something serious because a long-term relationship was not on my mind at that time. I was honest with my intentions so he knew where he stood, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I was previously hurt when Corey didn’t make things clear where I stood. Hunter used to be the one initiating all those texts, and he stopped texting me after I stated my intentions.

I had to text him to confirm if we were still meeting. We fucked again on the second meet at his place. When Hunter and I fucked the first time and second time, I exhibited the same stiffness and nervousness because I was raised to save myself for marriage, and it wasn’t an easy transition to be immediately comfortable with sex. Hunter was gentler and nicer with me when he fucked the first time in public. He complimented my ass, and he said he “will go slow” when I told him “it hurts.” However, he wasn’t as nice to me when he demanded reciprocation and a blowjob the second time we fucked. He grabbed my hand by force and placed it on his penis. He continuously begged for a blowjob when it was obvious that I didn’t feel comfortable giving him one. My voice was shaking when I told him “I don’t feel comfortable doing it right now.” I was frozen from fear because I was afraid that he was a possible rapist, but I was relieved that he didn’t enforce a blowjob.

“CRAZY” STREAK, UNEXPECTED FEELINGS, THIRD MEET, BEST FRIENDS “LOVE” TRIANGLE:

I sent Hunter a “happy birthday” text and thanked him for sharing his bday cake. He ignored my text for 2 weeks until he liked the scandalous photos I posted. If you were to ask me why I posted those photos, it was mainly because of a random impulse. After I posted those photos, I unexpectedly liked Hunter, and I asked if he wanted to meet for the third time. He agreed to meet up, and we fucked again in public.

A few days later after the third meet, I happened to match with his best friend, Garrett, on Tinder. I swiped right on Garrett because I was curious to see if he swiped right on me. Hunter knew about it because I sent him a screenshot that I matched with his best friend. Garrett messaged me and was flirty, and he invited me to go clubbing with him. I thought it would be cool to meet Garrett because he made me laugh and smile, and I also thought it would be nice to meet Hunter’s best friends before starting a possible relationship. I assumed that Hunter would show up, but he didn’t. At the club, I wished that Hunter and I were grinding together on the dance floor, but I was grinding with Garrett instead. Garrett wanted me to kiss him, but I couldn’t kiss him back because I had feelings for Hunter. In the end, I offended Garrett because I made an unnecessary remark about kissing other guys. I apologized that I was sorry for rubbing him the wrong way, but I can’t always take back the words I said. Garrett made me cry when he continued to be rude to me. I don’t see why he had to be upset with me when I didn’t want to kiss him. He needs to understand the fact that not every girl wants to kiss him and that a girl can kiss other guys.

DOUBTS / FOURTH MEET:

I never told Hunter that I started falling for him. Honestly, I did consider a possible relationship with him, and I strongly desired him, but I chose to do nothing about it because I had doubts that it would work out in the long run. I did ask when he was free to meet up, but he completely ignored my text. Instead, he messaged me on Tinder and randomly asked if I met with Garrett again.

I should have completely cut Hunter off my life after he pressured me to give a blowjob on the second meet. I should have known that he was a selfish asshole when he asked for a blowjob on the third meet, which showed that he didn’t give a shit how I nervously refused a blowjob a few weeks ago. I ignored these red flags because lust blinded me. I longed for his kiss, and I longed for his physical touch. He ended up fucking me in the ass without my consent when I made the booty call on the fourth meet. I was not impressed with his behavior, I would have said “no” if he asked for anal. I ended up doing nothing and saying nothing about it. I was in a complete state of shock that I didn’t know how to react. It happened so quickly, and I let him finish because it was only the initial penetration that was painful. It didn’t hurt afterwards. When he finished, I kept worrying about how my ass was going to heal, and nothing else was on my mind. After my thoughts were clear within the next few hours, I felt like I can’t completely let him get away with what he did to me, so I decided to text him about the anal situation. He never bothered to check up if I was ok after I told him about the discomfort when he pulled off surprise anal.

CONFUSION:

Ever since we fucked on the fourth meet, I kept experiencing mixed feelings from lust to anger whenever Hunter comes to my mind, and I didn’t imagine I would end up experiencing guilt. My instincts, which are mainly personal speculations, tell me that he could have been interested in me because:

  • he seemed to be very interested in Asian girls with a UC level education, and I happened to be his type. A girl he had desired for 5 years and his ex both had UC level education.
  • he asked “why me?” after I told him I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.
  • he flat out told me it was very rare for him to message a girl on dating apps, but he messaged me.
  •  he seemed to be jealous about the fact his best friend Garrett was attracted to me. He said “the sarcasm should be clear by now” when he previously said I should have kissed his best friend Garrett. He brought up his best friend more than once, and he even asked me if I met with his best friend again.
  • he said “I fell for your trap” when I made the bootycall.
  • he posted something about people letting him down around the same time he snooped through my other dating profile (I wrote how I will put in the effort if I were interested in a guy, and no effort means no interest). I cried for a week out of guilt after he made that post about people letting him down.
  • after I texted him if he had true feelings for me, he initially asked if I got a new number. Ten minutes later, he told me to send him “a selfie with the middle finger in it.” I think he knew it was me texting him, and I felt like he was giving me a “go fuck yourself” attitude. If he was interested in something more and learned that I would put effort when I’m interested in a guy, it’s understandable that he would text me a message with a negative tone like that. However, he could have responded in a more polite tone.
  • he added 100 girls on social media  after I apologized about letting him down for sending mixed signals.

At times, I feel like an asshole for using Hunter to fill the void when he could have wanted something more, but at least:

  • I made my intentions clear from the beginning. On POF, everyone’s profiles showed the person’s intentions: nothing serious, looking for a relationship, actively seeking a relationship, looking for marriage. Everyone has different dating objectives, and in my opinion, intentions should be honest and clear from the beginning. At the same time, I feel bad about the possibility of hurting Hunter out of my own selfishness.
  • I never demanded anything from him, and I never continuously begged him to fulfill something for me after he showed hesitation. He demanded physical reciprocation and kept begging for a blowjob when I was hesitant.
  • I respected his personal space. Whenever I asked him to meet up, I always waited for his response, and I never spammed him when he ignored me.
  • I never send rude texts after he ignored my messages about the anal situation.

From my perspective, Hunter was the bigger asshole than I was. He treated my body with disrespect, and he was rude.

PAIN:

Even though Hunter shoved his dick up my ass 8 months ago, I still randomly cry over it. It’s easy for someone to say “it’s not worth crying over him, and you’ll meet someone better than him.” It’s not easy for me to hold my tears because I experienced something that was almost like rape. I wouldn’t be as hurt right now if he showed he gave a fuck by asking if I healed just fine.

I noticed that I’m crying more often after I removed Hunter from my social media. Hunter fulfilled what Corey and Michael didn’t give me: sex. I always longed for that physical connection with someone I desired, even though I was initially a nervous virgin. I tried to see the good in Hunter, but unfortunately, he “raped” me and didn’t have the qualities I wanted. When I cut off Hunter for good, the pain got worse, and I remember that I didn’t feel as pessimistic when Hunter was still on my social media. Initially, I couldn’t understand what was hurting me because my consciousness says “I’m not looking for love, and I don’t need love.” Then, I realize my heart subconsciously desired for that “one true love” I never had, and the hurt and emptiness added up after running into the wrong person after another. I had always wondered if I am truly ill-fated in love because:

  • I got rejected multiple times.
  • guys I’m interested on dating apps weren’t interested in me.
  • many guys were interested in me when I’m not interested in them.
  • I rejected guys who were interested in dating me.
  • other guys who really caught my interest never showed enough effort when I felt a connection.

I still leave myself wondering if I will never find the right person till I’m 50. Hunter’s asshole behavior isn’t the only reason that I randomly cry. I also cry when I listen emotional love songs.

Also, I don’t need to demand for Hunter’s apology and justice to feel better. I hope that he realizes that his behavior is unacceptable, and part of me hopes that karma will fucking burn his soul for what he did to me, but all I can do is forgive him so I can have peace. Being angry and bitter isn’t going to benefit me.

GENERAL SUMMARY:

This entire story on Hunter was confusing and long as fuck in comparison to Corey and Michael stories. Even though I was with Hunter for 4 months, it felt like I was dating 5 different guys. I tried my best to make the story as clear as possible, but I still find it confusing, which explains why it took me a very long time to sort my thoughts and feelings. To summarize my feelings, which are full of contradictions, all I can tell you is that:

  • I initially had no feelings for him.
  • I fantasized about having him as a bf when I liked him over time.
  • I liked his charming, daredevil and adventurous streak in him.
  • I lusted after him, and I remember how good it felt when we fucked and when he gave me that deep French kiss.
  • I wasn’t sure if I can trust my “love” feelings about him and ended up ignoring it because I was afraid to be vulnerable.
  • I felt guilty for “using” him.
  • I despise him, yet I forgive him because he and I are flawed humans.

– A

 

 

 

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