Bringing on the Heartache (part 3)

I initially envisioned an innocent fling without any expectations of a relationship by going on random dates where cuddling, holding hands, and kisses were involved. I got tired of getting hurt when “love” comes into the picture, so I thought flings could be a less hectic alternative to help me “forget” Corey and fill the void . I remember how insecurity tormented my soul when I fell really hard for Corey and Michael, and I didn’t want to deal with that shit anymore. However, the story about Hunter turned out a lot darker and complicated than I intended.

THE BEGINNING / FIRST MEET:

I matched with Hunter on Tinder approximately 3 weeks after the hookup incident with Corey. Hunter sent me a really cute pickup line, and I thought he was a charming, fun and interesting guy. Hunter and I texted each other for a week before meeting in person.

I never saw myself fucking a guy on first meet, but it happened. Hunter was and will be the only guy who could change my decision about no sex on first meet. If another guy attempted what Hunter did, it will not feel as exciting, and I don’t see myself giving in. No one else will ever beat what Hunter did. I chose to give my virginity to Hunter because I justified:

  • I didn’t think I’ll ever get to fuck a guy I truly like until a very long time, and I should have done it with Corey. Why not do it now with Hunter and pretend that Hunter is Corey? Hunter wanted sex that badly, so I let him have my body.
  •  I thought that fucking Hunter in public would make a very good story on how I lost my virginity. He set up the environment and mood so nicely that I couldn’t resist the adrenaline rush haha.

INTENTIONS / SECOND MEET:

He wanted to meet again, but I immediately told him I wasn’t looking for something serious because a long-term relationship was not on my mind at that time. I was honest with my intentions so he knew where he stood, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I was previously hurt when Corey didn’t make things clear where I stood. Hunter used to be the one initiating all those texts, and he stopped texting me after I stated my intentions.

I had to text him to confirm if we were still meeting. We fucked again on the second meet at his place. When Hunter and I fucked the first time and second time, I exhibited the same stiffness and nervousness because I was raised to save myself for marriage, and it wasn’t an easy transition to be immediately comfortable with sex. Hunter was gentler and nicer with me when he fucked the first time in public. He complimented my ass, and he said he “will go slow” when I told him “it hurts.” However, he wasn’t as nice to me when he demanded reciprocation and a blowjob the second time we fucked. He grabbed my hand by force and placed it on his penis. He continuously begged for a blowjob when it was obvious that I didn’t feel comfortable giving him one. My voice was shaking when I told him “I don’t feel comfortable doing it right now.” I was frozen from fear because I was afraid that he was a possible rapist, but I was relieved that he didn’t enforce a blowjob.

“CRAZY” STREAK, UNEXPECTED FEELINGS, THIRD MEET, BEST FRIENDS “LOVE” TRIANGLE:

I sent Hunter a “happy birthday” text and thanked him for sharing his bday cake. He ignored my text for 2 weeks until he liked the scandalous photos I posted. If you were to ask me why I posted those photos, it was mainly because of a random impulse. After I posted those photos, I unexpectedly liked Hunter, and I asked if he wanted to meet for the third time. He agreed to meet up, and we fucked again in public.

A few days later after the third meet, I happened to match with his best friend, Garrett, on Tinder. I swiped right on Garrett because I was curious to see if he swiped right on me. Hunter knew about it because I sent him a screenshot that I matched with his best friend. Garrett messaged me and was flirty, and he invited me to go clubbing with him. I thought it would be cool to meet Garrett because he made me laugh and smile, and I also thought it would be nice to meet Hunter’s best friends before starting a possible relationship. I assumed that Hunter would show up, but he didn’t. At the club, I wished that Hunter and I were grinding together on the dance floor, but I was grinding with Garrett instead. Garrett wanted me to kiss him, but I couldn’t kiss him back because I had feelings for Hunter. In the end, I offended Garrett because I made an unnecessary remark about kissing other guys. I apologized that I was sorry for rubbing him the wrong way, but I can’t always take back the words I said. Garrett made me cry when he continued to be rude to me. I don’t see why he had to be upset with me when I didn’t want to kiss him. He needs to understand the fact that not every girl wants to kiss him and that a girl can kiss other guys.

DOUBTS / FOURTH MEET:

I never told Hunter that I started falling for him. Honestly, I did consider a possible relationship with him, and I strongly desired him, but I chose to do nothing about it because I had doubts that it would work out in the long run. I did ask when he was free to meet up, but he completely ignored my text. Instead, he messaged me on Tinder and randomly asked if I met with Garrett again.

I should have completely cut Hunter off my life after he pressured me to give a blowjob on the second meet. I should have known that he was a selfish asshole when he asked for a blowjob on the third meet, which showed that he didn’t give a shit how I nervously refused a blowjob a few weeks ago. I ignored these red flags because lust blinded me. I longed for his kiss, and I longed for his physical touch. He ended up fucking me in the ass without my consent when I made the booty call on the fourth meet. I was not impressed with his behavior, I would have said “no” if he asked for anal. I ended up doing nothing and saying nothing about it. I was in a complete state of shock that I didn’t know how to react. It happened so quickly, and I let him finish because it was only the initial penetration that was painful. It didn’t hurt afterwards. When he finished, I kept worrying about how my ass was going to heal, and nothing else was on my mind. After my thoughts were clear within the next few hours, I felt like I can’t completely let him get away with what he did to me, so I decided to text him about the anal situation. He never bothered to check up if I was ok after I told him about the discomfort when he pulled off surprise anal.

CONFUSION:

Ever since we fucked on the fourth meet, I kept experiencing mixed feelings from lust to anger whenever Hunter comes to my mind, and I didn’t imagine I would end up experiencing guilt. My instincts, which are mainly personal speculations, tell me that he could have been interested in me because:

  • he seemed to be very interested in Asian girls with a UC level education, and I happened to be his type. A girl he had desired for 5 years and his ex both had UC level education.
  • he asked “why me?” after I told him I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.
  • he flat out told me it was very rare for him to message a girl on dating apps, but he messaged me.
  •  he seemed to be jealous about the fact his best friend Garrett was attracted to me. He said “the sarcasm should be clear by now” when he previously said I should have kissed his best friend Garrett. He brought up his best friend more than once, and he even asked me if I met with his best friend again.
  • he said “I fell for your trap” when I made the bootycall.
  • he posted something about people letting him down around the same time he snooped through my other dating profile (I wrote how I will put in the effort if I were interested in a guy, and no effort means no interest). I cried for a week out of guilt after he made that post about people letting him down.
  • after I texted him if he had true feelings for me, he initially asked if I got a new number. Ten minutes later, he told me to send him “a selfie with the middle finger in it.” I think he knew it was me texting him, and I felt like he was giving me a “go fuck yourself” attitude. If he was interested in something more and learned that I would put effort when I’m interested in a guy, it’s understandable that he would text me a message with a negative tone like that. However, he could have responded in a more polite tone.
  • he added 100 girls on social media  after I apologized about letting him down for sending mixed signals.

At times, I feel like an asshole for using Hunter to fill the void when he could have wanted something more, but at least:

  • I made my intentions clear from the beginning. On POF, everyone’s profiles showed the person’s intentions: nothing serious, looking for a relationship, actively seeking a relationship, looking for marriage. Everyone has different dating objectives, and in my opinion, intentions should be honest and clear from the beginning. At the same time, I feel bad about the possibility of hurting Hunter out of my own selfishness.
  • I never demanded anything from him, and I never continuously begged him to fulfill something for me after he showed hesitation. He demanded physical reciprocation and kept begging for a blowjob when I was hesitant.
  • I respected his personal space. Whenever I asked him to meet up, I always waited for his response, and I never spammed him when he ignored me.
  • I never send rude texts after he ignored my messages about the anal situation.

From my perspective, Hunter was the bigger asshole than I was. He treated my body with disrespect, and he was rude.

PAIN:

Even though Hunter shoved his dick up my ass 8 months ago, I still randomly cry over it. It’s easy for someone to say “it’s not worth crying over him, and you’ll meet someone better than him.” It’s not easy for me to hold my tears because I experienced something that was almost like rape. I wouldn’t be as hurt right now if he showed he gave a fuck by asking if I healed just fine.

I noticed that I’m crying more often after I removed Hunter from my social media. Hunter fulfilled what Corey and Michael didn’t give me: sex. I always longed for that physical connection with someone I desired, even though I was initially a nervous virgin. I tried to see the good in Hunter, but unfortunately, he “raped” me and didn’t have the qualities I wanted. When I cut off Hunter for good, the pain got worse, and I remember that I didn’t feel as pessimistic when Hunter was still on my social media. Initially, I couldn’t understand what was hurting me because my consciousness says “I’m not looking for love, and I don’t need love.” Then, I realize my heart subconsciously desired for that “one true love” I never had, and the hurt and emptiness added up after running into the wrong person after another. I had always wondered if I am truly ill-fated in love because:

  • I got rejected multiple times.
  • guys I’m interested on dating apps weren’t interested in me.
  • many guys were interested in me when I’m not interested in them.
  • I rejected guys who were interested in dating me.
  • other guys who really caught my interest never showed enough effort when I felt a connection.

I still leave myself wondering if I will never find the right person till I’m 50. Hunter’s asshole behavior isn’t the only reason that I randomly cry. I also cry when I listen emotional love songs.

Also, I don’t need to demand for Hunter’s apology and justice to feel better. I hope that he realizes that his behavior is unacceptable, and part of me hopes that karma will fucking burn his soul for what he did to me, but all I can do is forgive him so I can have peace. Being angry and bitter isn’t going to benefit me.

GENERAL SUMMARY:

This entire story on Hunter was confusing and long as fuck in comparison to Corey and Michael stories. Even though I was with Hunter for 4 months, it felt like I was dating 5 different guys. I tried my best to make the story as clear as possible, but I still find it confusing, which explains why it took me a very long time to sort my thoughts and feelings. To summarize my feelings, which are full of contradictions, all I can tell you is that:

  • I initially had no feelings for him.
  • I fantasized about having him as a bf when I liked him over time.
  • I liked his charming, daredevil and adventurous streak in him.
  • I lusted after him, and I remember how good it felt when we fucked and when he gave me that deep French kiss.
  • I wasn’t sure if I can trust my “love” feelings about him and ended up ignoring it because I was afraid to be vulnerable.
  • I felt guilty for “using” him.
  • I despise him, yet I forgive him because he and I are flawed humans.

– A

 

 

 

Bringing on the Heartache (part 2)

New Flame:

I got tired moping about Michael, so my very good friend N thought I should try online dating and see what’s out there. After taking her advice into consideration, the heartbreak over Michael finally ended until I found myself obsessing with someone else I “met” from an online dating site. He was a really cute Belgian guy, but unfortunately, our values were not compatible and I got catfished. When we were messaging each other, I felt very uncomfortable during the entire conversation because he kept asking me questions about sex when I had the mindset of saving my virginity until marriage. I tried asking questions about his personal interests, but he kept continuing the topic about sex. He was looking for a submissive partner since he was very interested in BDSM. I only cried for 5 minutes that it didn’t pan out, and my other good friend gave me a reality check that I created an image of him that wasn’t based on reality. In the next few days, I found out he had a girlfriend, and he was bald (he posted photos of himself from 3 years ago when he still had hair). What I learned from this Belgian guy and the first month of online dating is 1) sex is pretty important for the vast majority of guys 2) I should stop creating an image about the guy and accept the reality version of him. I also created an image of Michael that wasn’t real, which also explains why I had a hard time letting him go.

Another Flame:

When I moved on after the Belgian guy, I tried Tinder. At that time, I did not take Tinder seriously because I knew it is notoriously known for hookups, but I was curious to see what was on there and didn’t care about finding “The One.” During the swiping process, I came across a guy named Corey. He and I are mutual friends with someone from college on Facebook. I did not think he was a good looking guy, but I was intrigued with him because he was a skater and an amateur photographer who went to the same college I did. It took me a good 3 to 5 minutes to decide whether to swipe left or right. I decided to give him a chance and swiped right. We matched, he messaged me first, and we exchanged Snapchat usernames. He seemed really nice, and I thought that it would be cool to be friends with him. When sent me his first selfie on Snapchat, I fell really hard for him, and I never expected that to happen.

My heart was racing every time he sent me a snap, and I always looked forward to receiving snaps from him. I blushed pretty badly when he said I was cute and pretty, and I always sent him “good night” snaps with a blow kiss. I had trouble sleeping at night because I was too happy and infatuated to fall asleep. A few days later, he asked me out on a date, but my friends thought it was odd when I had to bug him about the time/place that the date was taking place. When we finally met in person, he kept me warm from the cold breeze by putting his arm around me as we roamed around the dark. We also cuddled on a bench and gazed at the night sky under the moonlight. Before we parted ways, I kissed him first. I found myself lost in paradise when I was in his arms, and that kiss felt magical because it was the first time sharing a kiss with someone whom I really liked.

After the date, he slowly distanced himself up to the point he stopped sending me snaps. Insecurity hit me, and I had trouble sleeping again because I was up all night worrying if 1) he’s losing interest in me 2) there are other girls in his life besides me. Two weeks after our first date, I decided to ask if he was interested in getting to know me more, and then my heart was torn into pieces when he told me that he was not interested in a relationship. Although I cried my eyes out, I respected his personal choice, and I didn’t mind keeping in touch with him as friends because he was not rude to me. I asked him about the photo shoot he had “promised” before we exchanged Snapchat usernames, he said he was down and we discussed briefly about it.

When I sent him a snap of my photo shoot outfit after he asked for a photo, he said I looked really sexy in thigh high socks. Then, I found myself sending him multiple snaps of me wearing faux garter stockings, and he wanted to meet up again at his place. I also let him pick my outfit of the night when we meet up. Again, I had to bug him about the time/place. When I saw him, I thought he looked really sexy in his motorcycle leather jacket. It felt really amazing when he French kissed me. I lied on his bed while he was on top of me, and it was a hookup experience, even though penetration was not involved. He hesitated to take my virginity because he knew I had feelings for him. He also expressed his guilt for being “a bad person” and apologized that he wasn’t interested in a relationship at the moment. He told me he got out of a super serious relationship with his girlfriend, and everything had been flings ever since because he didn’t want to deal with the drama anymore. I thought it was nice of him to treat me out for dinner, even if we didn’t have sex. It was hard for me to let him go when I kissed him good-bye, but it had to end. The photo shoot never happened, although I did ask him about it a couple days later after the hookup. It’s understandable that he ignored me because it must have been awkward for him to take photos of a girl with whom he almost shared a bed when guilty feelings were involved.

Things didn’t feel right when he showed flaky behavior before the first date, and I would not have been hurt if I listened to my instincts that he was not interested in a relationship. I didn’t get hurt because of emotional investment. I ended up getting hurt because I hoped for the possibility of a budding relationship when he didn’t show true effort. Two heartbreaks taught me to not be emotionally invested and to not hope for the possibility of love.

– A

Bringing on the Heartache (part 1)

I had never been lucky in finding love, and the pain added up after four consecutive heartaches. Blogging my memories can help relieve the pain, and it turns out that I brought on the heartache on myself all this time. I should have known better when extra precautions could have been taken to avoid dumb decisions, but what’s done is done, and I take my experiences as personal life lessons.

The first heartbreak was back in middle school. I had a really huge crush on him because he always asked if I was ok when I was sad, and he stood up for me when another guy was critiquing my violin skills. I wrote a note to tell him that I liked him, he ignored me for the rest of his life, and then I cried for 8 months and got over it. I was stupid for getting mad at N for liking the same guy *EPIC FACE PALM* that was sooo mature of me. Other than that, we made up and are still very good friends. I didn’t learn much about this experience, other than the fact I had the balls to confess. A lot of girls I know wait for the guy to do 100% of the moves.

Six years later, I met this guy named Michael during TA office hours for my math class back in sophomore year of college. Then, I asked him if he wanted to be my hw buddy since 1) he was the first person I talked to in that class 2) I didn’t know anyone else in that class 3) I prefer double checking my answers with someone before turning in hw. He agreed to be hw buddies, so we exchanged numbers. My first impression of him was “socially awkward, not cute, very introverted,” and liking him or dating him was the last thing on my mind. However, I started liking him over time because he randomly helped me prepare for a midterm for another math class (real analysis) without me asking. He spent hours helping me until I completely understood the concepts. I struggled a lot in math after calculus, so his efforts really meant a lot to me. Although he agreed to help me prepare for my second real analysis midterm, he never bothered showing up in the library to help me. I’m pretty sure he could tell that I was upset with him since I completely ignored him when I saw him again. He approached me by asking me about that midterm (which shows he remembered I had that test), and he made up for his “broken promise” by helping me on math hw without me asking. Over time, it was obvious that he was annoyed with me asking too many questions, which is understandable because I’m sure he was stressing over other classes. After that quarter was over, I made up my mind to get over him because a guy breaking promises is a negative quality.

I never saw him again until junior year of fall quarter. I saw him in the music lecture hall, but I completely ignored him. However, he followed me out of the lecture hall just to say “hi” to me. We were also taking the same math class together in fall quarter. Afterwards, he started sitting next to me in every lecture during math and music. Shortly, he broke the physical barrier, and the feelings came back. I kept thinking that he liked me since 1) he helped me out a lot in math and spent hours helping without me asking 2) he kept staring at me during class 3) his arm lightly touched mine in every lecture. I decided to make the first move by inviting him out to a date. After I asked him out, I noticed that he was happier than usual, and his entire body was leaning against mine. When fall quarter ended, I was hoping that he would take more initiative, but I cried for months over the fact that he never made the effort to reach out to me.

Over time, things started repeating itself: I ignored him during spring quarter and told myself to get over him, he could tell that I was upset with him so he reached out to talk to me again, feelings rebounded but I told myself to get over him completely after summer, he offered to help me in math over the summer and spent 7 hours helping me on 3 “easy” hw problems, feelings came back again, I got hurt after he “broke his promise” for not helping me.

Despite the same vicious cycle of him distancing himself and “breaking promises,” I became emotionally attached to him after summer. I really liked him a lot, and I accepted his imperfections. We never took any classes together during senior year, and I still asked him out twice during fall quarter and beginning of winter quarter. He never showed any effort, but I decided to confess my feelings and take the chance. Unfortunately, he said he never felt the same way and said he was still down to hangout whenever I want. I waited until spring quarter to hang out with him again. He did tell me that he wasn’t going to worry about dating until after 30, he could never marry someone after a couple years of dating, and marriage could never happen during grad school. I wanted to spend one last time with him before we say goodbye to each other, but I got hurt over the fact that he seemed grumpy when I asked if he wanted to hang out. When we met up, he acted like he didn’t even want to hang out with me, and he could tell that I was really mad at him since I never said a word to him. Afterwards, he became nicer and we started talking again. I asked a friendly stranger to take a picture of us. When we were posing for the camera, he held me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. The last time I ever saw him was graduation day.

I still pursued Michael, even if he never put in the effort, because I thought he was socially awkward, and also he was a true introvert. His body language appeared to show that he liked me back, but unfortunately, no effort meant not interested in a relationship. Up to this day, I still believe he liked me, but he didn’t want a relationship. If he didn’t like me, why would his body keep touching mine in class and on the bus? Why would he hold me so tightly when we posed for the camera? I would have been standing awkward as fuck if a guy I didn’t like wanted to take a photo with me. It took two years to let him go because it was extremely rare to have someone show mutual attraction. I kept questioning, “Why reject me if you showed signs that you liked me back?” After dealing with my second heartbreak, I learned to not be emotionally attached to a guy.

– A

To Dream of a Man that Carries Bacon?

I am having one of those moments. A lot has happened in the last twenty-four hours and it is a lot to take in. I am not a love expert, I am expressing my beliefs, and the way I see things. I am in a long distance relationship, and have been for the past 5 (going into 6) years. I do not claim I know everything there is when it comes to long distance relationships, but I know not to get my head stuck too far into the clouds. The question and statements that get brought up by coworkers and friends is “when is the wedding?” or “you guys should just get married!”. My answer is simply this, I am not ready. I want to figure out my career path for a Master’s Degree. I want to hold a career that enables me to not be locked into one geographical location. I want to be able to be independent and support myself. I do not want my future husband to be the one to “bring home the bacon.” I believe women should not follow the beliefs that were maintained in the 1950s. The “husband” of the family is not the ONLY person who should be making the income. I believe marriage is fulfilling the fairytale/fantasy that you found true love or soul mate and you are ready to commit. On the contrary, marriage is not something you rush full speed and complete as soon as possible. I am guilty of living in the clouds before, everyone lives in those same thoughts because we grew up with that mindset. We sometimes get the main idea that our love life is like a Disney movie where in the end we quickly get hitched and live a “happily ever after.” We might not know the prince for a very long time, but hey if potential princesses like Belle or Cinderella can know their prince will give them a happily ever after, why not marry them? It does not matter to Cinderella if she only spoke to Prince Charming for a few hours, or Belle spending a season or two with the Beast. The audience knows that the princess only knows the prince for a small window of time, and the climatic scenes begin. After all the chaos, the princess will marry her prince after all the dust settles with the bad guys exiting the scene. Disney movies continue nurturing young minds with the happy fairytale.

Fairytale (noun)

Trust me, I love my Disney movies. However, reality is different from fictional stories.

The reality to any love story is that a small window (5 months to a year) is not a wise idea. Depending on the situation. I am not a love expert. My relationship is not perfect, but to me, my boyfriend is perfect for me. There is no such thing as a perfect guy. I still have yet to tell the story of how we met, but that is still going to be for another day. The small window I am talking about is the time span you spent time with your significant other. I am not talking about a spouse, but before you tie the knot. My main concern spans from a friend who recently got proposed to. Trust me, I am over the moon happy that she got her wish to get that proposal. On the other hand, I was hoping for her boyfriend (now fiancé) would have proposed in a more romantic setting and utilized more of the location they were at. It was disappointing he chose a quick restaurant when there was many other options he had at his disposal. Yet, I am not trying to focus on the lackluster proposal but the time they knew each other. They met on a MMORPG, and talked here and there. They finally spent a little time with each other when my friend (let us call her E8) drove up north with her family to visit relatives. They started dating last year in the summer and celebrating their first year anniversary this year. That is the backbone of E8’s story. I do not speak to E8 on a regular schedule each week, but we do make time to make a phone call or two when we have the time. I found out that the sound of wedding bells was something they spoke of possibly sometime this year. The subject was brought up between them during one of their vacation time. E8 and her boyfriend have a schedule where they would book flights to visit each during vacation time (a similar format as to what mi amor and I have done for the past six years). The distance E8 and her boyfriend is minimal compared to my relationship, but it is still a long distance one. What draws a frown to my face is not the proposal, but what her future plans will be after she ties the knot. I am still making sure I have my back up plans and I already told mi amor he is allowed to propose once I am done with my masters. E8 never finished her goals of becoming a teacher, and she has no alternative plans. I would not approve of a wedding of my own till I accomplish my big set goals. They are slowly being completed, but I do intend to finish them in a timely manner. I want what is best for E8, and I wish she stuck her head out of the clouds once in a while to analyze what her future will be once she marries. Also, I move a little unbalanced with more updates from E8. I found out it has been a week since she was proposed to, and her fiancé has yet to break the news to his own parents. I was left speechless.

If you were going to propose to your girlfriend, is there some old fashion rule that the boyfriend informs his own parents, and asks the girlfriend’s father for his blessings? I mean the whole asking the father is outdated, but at least informing your own parents is important, right? Apparently, E8 tells me that her fiancé is planning to take his parents out for a dinner and break the news to them. In the mean time, his parents are super busy moving their store, and he has no plans to break any of the wonderful news. Still jaw dropping right now. Shocked. No words to express my feelings right now.

I just hope E8 understands that marriage is not all fun and games. I do not think she even fully knows what she dislikes about her future in-laws. Just from my observations, there are some traits and habits that a girlfriend or boyfriend finds out about their potential future in-laws after spending a good timeframe getting to know them. Let us be real, there is no such thing as the “perfect in-laws.” It is a myth to presume your future in-laws came from a fairytale book. You know what you like and dislike. When you establish that your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s parents are awesome, you know that is a lie. The real truth is that you met them multiple times, but you have not stayed with them long enough to find out their other characteristics. E8 has walked into this description. The assumptions she made is how grand and peachy her future in-laws are going to be, and she knows she is getting a great family. All sunshine and smiles. You got to be kidding me right? She should think long and hard before she ties the knot. Things she should be thinking about are…

  • Where will we live after the wedding?
  • Will we both share the financial burden when owning a future home?
  • Am I stable enough to take up any mortgage, health, home, and car insurances when my significant other does not have a job?
  • Do I know my future in-laws? Do I have a list of pros and cons?

Come on people, the reality hits pretty hard when it comes to finances and knowing what you are getting into. If marriage is all E8 seeks, that is fine. It is her wish and her future not mine. However, I hate to see E8 hit all these forks in the road after she gets married. I know, we all make mistakes and I should just let her make the mistakes. She will learn. On the contrary, I want to be like Holden in The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, where he wants to be the person who wants to prevent kids from taking on the burden of growing up to fast. The burden of being thrust into the adult world and not being able to be a kid.  I want to try to give advice to my friends who should keep an open mind. I do not mean to criticize, but I do not want to sugar coat everything for a friend who lives in the clouds. Reality hits, and it hits pretty hard. This is my way of sharing a little piece of me. We should be able to support and share burdens equally in a relationship. I want to tell her, but the last time I was one hundred percent honest with her, she goes and complains to another friend. Why bother to try again? Let me know what you guys think of this whole situation.

All the Best,

N

The Future is Uncertain

Love is a messy concept. As a female, emotions can be complicated. There is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship. Every relationship will have high and low points. Good and bad days. Lets face it, women tend to over think. There is this constant mouse that is running the “thinking wheel”. Once the mouse starts, it is difficult to make it stop.

I will 100% admit that even my own relationship is not perfect. I have my good and bad days with my boyfriend. What relationship does not have this balance? I had a chat with a few close friends with something my boyfriend and I discussed over a video chat this evening.

First off, I am still uncertain what my full career path is for this life (and this is what I am constantly thinking of because I want to continue with getting my masters).

But the future is what made my world shake and crumble and made me lose balance. I want to build a family with my boyfriend in the future. I want the kids, the family, the “dream” home, the steady income from work, and a loving husband who rocks my world. However, tonight I learned I have to make compromises, and change is not as easy as 1,2,3. It is more like trying to count in a sequence, but starting over at random points because you second guess yourself.

I have spoken very little of my relationship with my boyfriend. In a nutshell, we have been in a long distance relationship for six years. We made distance work. It was VERY tough the first 3 years because I never been in a committed relationship with someone so far away. However, we kicked the odds and made it work.

We are slowly growing into the next phase of life where job and home is next. However, where the home was going to take root was where the problems begin. Let me add that we are not planning to place money down on a home like in the next 2 years. It is more like 4-6 years from now, maybe more. It just comes down to me finishing school and then the next phase will begin.

The issue is do we live in my home country, or do we live in his. I love where I have lived all my life. I thought this is the place where I would continue to life for the rest of my life and have my own family. I have all my friends and family here, why settle anywhere else? Yet, life is not always the dreams we conjure up. It has come to a conclusion that the future living situation will be stationed in his country. It makes me sad that in the future I have to move a good distance away from friends and family to a place where I have no one but my boyfriend. That is not something easy to swallow down. He did not force anything, but he mentioned that his country is better to grow a family in and take residence. My boyfriend has not exactly chosen the city he wants a house to be built-in, but he might possibly want to move back to his hometown. On the other hand, I prefer the current city he is located in. The city is very similar to my own, and I think I could adapt to the weather quite nicely.

I wanted a little compromise. If I am giving up my hometown, friends, and family, should I not at least get a chance to choose which city in his country to live in? It was a little selfish for me to think “hey if I have to give up my hometown+friends+family, you need to do the same, and this city is perfect because we will not have anyone we really know (even if it is in your country).” That is way too selfish, but I was thrust randomly into thinking about where I want to locate to in the future. I was already worried about my career path. Now I need to add future living location? That is way too much for my plate right now! So excuse me for being a little selfish.

I am just more fond of the city because it is similar to home (which would make the move easier). The weather does not get crappy like his hometown, and I can adjust to another country more easily. I want to give the city he is at right now a chance. A chance for me to find a job and help pay for our house. I can agree that living expenses in the current city my boyfriend lives in is not cheap. Also, housing is not cheap either. But does it not come down to compromises? I believe he should give me a chance to try to find work in the city I want to try to live in. If nothing works, then fine, we can give his hometown a try. Is it okay to let the person you love a chance to adjust to the living situation? The person who already gave up so much because love is important to her, should she not be given a chance to adapt? Adapt to something she is comfortable and similar to what she had before? Meet me half way. Being on vacation in his hometown is NOT the same as living in his hometown forever. When someone is on vacation, they think less of a permanent residence and think more of temporary. A vacation is to be away from home to relax and refresh the mind and soul.

What do you guys think? Is it okay for me to give some input on the city selection- even if houses can be a little on the expensive side? I mean I am already giving up a lot in the future by letting my life go from my hometown and country to be with the guy I want to spend my life with in the future.

I just wanted to share this with you guys. Maybe you are on the same boat as me, maybe not. But love can get messy sometimes.

Love,

N

What is Love?

Where It Begins

Every journey is different. Relationships are a difficult concept to stomach at times. My own journey to my own happiness was not easy. I have made my fair share of mistakes. I believe fate deals us a lot of cards in life.

The Middle Man

I remembered dreaming a lot of my crushes becoming my boyfriend. We all know that one guy in class where we swoon over, and we wish for that guy to reciprocate the same feelings. The middle man I speak of is the middle school years. These years are what I call young love. We have parents who believe that their children are too young at this age to have a significant other. I actually agree with parents who restrict their kids to dating when they are older. I do not disregard the relationships that do succeed and make it to adulthood. However, I have seen too many friends and acquaintances in middle school who dated for what they believed as “true love” end their relationships as quickly as it started. 

I never dated anyone in middle school. There was a constant crush but I always felt like the ugly duckling. I simply knew I was ignored and never noticed by that one guy. I could say my crushes changed around during my three years of middle school. The one crush who stuck with me through middle school and well into high school years was this one guy named X1. I met X1 through a MMORPG game. It was my world back in the day. Before everyone starts bashing, I am not promoting you to just start finding someone on a MMORPG game. If you find love in the MMORPG world, more power to you. If you do find someone you like on a MMORPG, make sure you take every precaution. Do not jump right at it to meet the person or start giving away personal information. People come in all shapes and colors these days, and I highly advise everyone to take precautions. 


Back to X1…

I learned a lot from X1. The learning terms I speak of is how to guard your heart and to make sure you take a boy’s words like a grain of sand at a young age. I was young and naive back then. I dreamed hard that maybe X1 has a crush on me as well. The disappointment came easily with X1. It was obvious but when you are young, you want to be in love like those classic Disney movies. Any girl dreams of finding “Prince Charming”. But it is not reality. X1 was the classic playboy/I could get any female naive enough wrapped around my finger. X1 messaged me when he felt like it, and conversations would end pretty quickly or abruptly. This crush of mine continued through High School. It is hard to tell a girl that some boys are not worth it. But the world we live in creates certain concepts that are broadcast through our televisions. Big surprise right? Every show in the teenage years has a love concept of the main character trying to get together with the person they have their eye on. My middle school years was a total flat line when it came to boys. My advice to younger generation and peeps in middle school: Enjoy your friends and social life, boys and relationships can be started later on during High School or College years. This advice sounds like a lot of crap to a young person who dreams of having a boyfriend. Trust me, the possibility of that guy even liking you back is slim to none. Stick with daydreaming and the right guy will cross paths with you in the future.

The High Tide

High school, high school, high school. Man you can say there was a lot of fluctuations during my high school career when it came to boys. I had the usual crushes, but my second year of high school was when a semi-dating life started. Trust me, there are not many guys during my high school career. I do not have a long list guys I can tick off. But honestly I am okay with that, and A can validate my high school dating life. It was less than three. Let us begin.

B1- Where do I begin with B1? B1 was not someone I dated, but was close to dating. I thought he was cute when he dressed like a normal person. B1 had a particular clothing piece he wore that made him stand out in a negative way. It classified B1 as that weird kid who always wears this particular piece of clothing. We had exchanged the AIM/Facebook stuff due to having some friends that we were connected with.  We messaged for a couple of days and confessions came. We knew we liked each other, however friends can influence you in some way. They tell you who is weird and who the unpopular people are. This particular piece of clothing really got people talking, and I ended up stopping communication with B1. My comfort level was not there, and I did not want to be a social outcast. I was more on the neutral zone. I knew people from different groups that range from the popular to the nerds but I had my own group of friends. So B1 was a lemon.

G1- Oh G1… He was definitely my first official boyfriend. My memory limits me on this because it was one of those fading memory that I did not care too much to keep a hold of. I believe I met G1 from a group of friends. He was seriously a cute/shy guy, but sweet a heart. We did not know each other for that long but we came to be. G1 was another dude who did not last long. This seriously shows how high school dating phase for me, was such a lemon. The relationship I had with G1 lasted for a good month or less? The reason for the break up was due to G1 being clingy, and I was sick and gone for a few days and he never called to check up on me. 

I am sure by now, as you read my relationship life during high school, it clearly shows how my relationship understanding was low. I do not care if you judge me a certain way. But this was my teen years, and I look back to some of these memories and I question why I even tried dating when it was not going to last long. Society, media, and friends are usually the culprits. 

X1- Yes, X1 appears again. He will appear one more time in my beginning adventures of my undergrad years of college/university.  As I have mentioned, X1 was someone I met through a MMORPG game back in later years of middle school. My crush for him was on and off. He was that guy that I would write secretly in my notebooks, hoping he would be mine. Man, X1 was my lesson to learn from type of guy. Let me be clear, I never actually dated X1. The type of relationship X1 and I had is complicated to explain. I hope by shedding some light on my experience with a guy like X1 would get girls to throw a lemon away when they find one. Instead of trying to make hypothetical “lemonade”. A lemon is a lemon when it comes to the relationships and crushes. I finally met X1 after about 5 years of knowing him. I knew he was not some shaggy creepy pedobear because of MySpace (yes the good old MySpace days), and we had video chatted before. Not during my Middle years, but high school years. X1 is older by a couple of years. It was a joke at first where I said my last dance of my high school career was nearing and I would just be going with a group of friends. X1 offered to be my date for the last dance, but I would have to ask in a creative way. I made a card and sent it to him. X1 was a serious learning curve for me. I highly recommend you do not attempt the same mistakes I made as a teen. The mistakes are knowing when there is no honesty to words a guy speaks. I was skeptical of X1 being my date. I was sure he was going to flake on me. I knew he was a person to flake and not be truthful because…

1) I had sent him a Christmas card & a small gift card with an amount to buy at least one pair of new shoes. He said he had sent me a thank you/Christmas card back. He lied and never did.

2) Besides splashing on a little bit of money, I had written him letters. X1 always told me he wrote back, but never got anything from him.

Obviously this guy was using my kindness, and I fell for it. But I decided to give him one last try. It was my last dance, and I wanted my last year in High School to end nicely. There are some regrets. The day of the last dance, X1 did show up. He was a little late but was on time. Here comes the kindness train on repeat. I swear I never learn from my small mistakes and how gullible I was. I allowed him to take my car, because I knew he was the better city driver, because he lived in an area that kept anyone on their toes. We went to dinner with my group of friends that was going with us to the last dance as well. He looked at the menu and said it was too pricey (this was another red flag). The prices of this restaurant was not even that expensive at all and my friends were able to pay and they did not have a problem with the price. I mean come on, I am in high school. I know which places to choose that within my budget. Being the kind person, I offered to share my meal with X1. I mean seriously X1, you had a job and can afford things, and yet I still had to share a meal. The evening went on. We got the venue, when he was parking my car I heard a slight crunch sound. The parking lot was not brightly lit so it looked like no damage was done to my car. The next day I found out from my parents that my left front headlight casing was cracked. I am thankful that my parents gave me a old car. I would of been angry if it was a new car. I swear X1 was just no good for me. We hung out and danced and chatted at the venue. We finally manged to kiss. I was in heaven and thinking, “I think this is the start of something, and maybe he could be my boyfriend.” Boy was I wrong. Close to the end of the evening we were outside and he told me that what happens tonight will end with tonight. The lie he told me was that he was enlisting, and long distance was not going to work. 

BULLSHIT.

When he drove us back to my friend’s house to get his car. We actually made out a little more. The moment got pretty heated, but I knew I was not ready for my virginity to be taken. I was so glad it was just X1 seeing my chest, and a few minutes later my group of friends got home. So the make out session concluded. We said out good byes and that was that.

Overall, my high school experience was a roller coaster. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to not waste time and money on X1. He is the one I regretted the most. He broke my heart, and I was played like a fool. My advice for high school kids: Do not get caught up in the moment. Do not let someone take advantage of your kindness, whether it is sharing or spending a few bucks. If there is no real return, move on. High school is high school. When a dude lies to you or flakes, do not give second chances. The more chances you give, the more he will abuse your kindness and sincerity. You will be left with nothing but cringe worthy memories. I believe that anything that revolves around sex should be as simple as this: Always use protection, and only experience it when you are truly ready in your heart and mind. Do not rush into anything. Do not let your hormones dictate your choices or judgement. I was glad I did not lose my virginity to X1. It would of been one memory I would not like living down.

The University Pie

University.I feel like the teenage years spill a lot. I was still young and naive. But hey, teenagers are slowly learning and understanding. We see things as adults, that our younger selves do not see. But it is okay. We are humans and every experience must be learned.

X1- I swear this guy just clung to my life. I never learned the first time and I still managed to send him another gift card for another pair of shoes for his birthday. Do not worry, this was the last time I spent another dime on him. Now before you freak out or ask where I am getting money. It was from allowances or special holidays that I receive my cash flow. Still young and naive. Besides the birthday gift I sent, I wanted to spend more time with X1. I thought there was hope since he was not “enlisting” anymore. I feel like I was at my all time low. My naive self trying to obtain a guy that was a huge rotting lemon. The two stupid things I did were as follows, and this is an eye opener for girls to not be as gullible and how people make mistakes:

  1. High School came and gone. First year of University. I wanted to hangout with X1, but I was not willing to make the trip to visit. He lived a good distance. The exchange for the meet up was to video chat and flash him my breasts for a good twenty seconds. I swear it shows you just how horny X1 was trying to get into my pants. I hope X1 never took any screenshots. Who knows, but this was a one time thing and was never repeated. This got him to visit a week later. 
  2. More of the stupid train. We met up at my place that I stayed in University. The place was empty. We ended up watching TV and ended up making out. He ended up lightly brushing against my lady part with his fingers. But at the moment I stopped him saying I was on my period and I was not up for it. I am sure he was disappointed because he said he saw no blood when he felt me up a little. But I was not ready, and my period was coming to an end. He just was not the one for me. After our small heated make out session, we went to grab food and we parted ways. I am glad he did not push me further. I am sure he was disappointed that I cocked blocked him from getting what he wanted.

What can I say? Young, naive, hormones, being gullible. These are just a handful of words that I can come up with right now. X1 was someone that boils my blood. He is a great example for ladies to understand that good looking guys can end up being the jerks. Lemons stay as lemons. I hope X1 shows you a side that not all guys are worth your time.

K1- Oh man. He was another lesson learned. Definitely another guy who was horny. I swear teenage guys who are not getting laid, want to be laid. Hormones hormones. We had a movie night, that movie night ended up in a make up session and him fondling my breasts in his car in the parking lot. Seriously?! As I think back. What is with young guys and wanting to look at my breasts?! K1 was in the dumps and out of my life because he kept pestering to hang out, and I did not want another X1 in my life again. I do not like guys who nag to try and hang out. Obviously I did not want it to be a repeat of another guy trying to get into my pants or wanting me to get into his. UGH!

Y1- My relationship ended with him because I was never truly comfortable with him. I knew him for a month. Another friend and I met Y1 and his group of friends on another MMORPG game. Yes I seem to be drawn into finding guys on MMORPG, and honestly it does not phase me. I take it like it is online dating. I felt like we hardly knew each other and I feel like it was a crush more than anything. His future ambitions did not match the lifestyle I had, and I knew my parents would not approve. I know love is suppose to overcome everything and it does not matter what status a guy has. But money and stability play a factor. Financial means are important, because how are you going to survive? This is my own views. I still believe in falling in love and that there is a guy that meets what I am looking for. But he can not just give up and live above what he sets for himself. But the relationship ended when he compared me to one of his ex-girlfriends. That is just a deal breaker. Not only that but he attempted to chase after my car and when I was at a stop sign, he hit my window to try to get my attention. I just kept driving and ignoring him. 

O1- This guy defined tradition. I knew him for a good week or two. I had decided to give him a go because he seemed nice and he was closer to home. My advice, seriously get to know a person. We had so many bumps. First, I did not spend enough time with him (hanging out, going on dates). So we had a long conversation, and it ended up in a situation where I would meet his parents and siblings. WOW! Just close to two weeks of dating and I already have to meet his parents. He even wanted to meet mine. So he drove up to where I live and met my parents for a good hour or so. He did not stay for long because I had a family event that day. When I met his parents, all hell broke loose. I met his siblings and his parents. We ended up cuddling and watching a movie. We ended up making out and him grinding against me. I told him I was not ready for sex and wanted to wait till marriage. I was still in my traditional mindset that sex was for marriage. My views have changed a lot since I was younger. I no longer believe sex is restricted for marriage, but it simply an act that is pursued when a girl is ready to have sex. There should be no pressure from a guy and when a girl just knows she will not hold any regrets when she does have sex for the first time. But at this time with O1, my mindset was still very traditional. Probably because I was still not comfortable with the whole sex thing. After the make out session, O1 also told me he looks/watches porn. That was a huge turn off for me. I think a girl should ask the “do you watch porn” question. I know communication and honesty is key in a relationship. But something so random that is blurted to a girl who was still pretty traditional really extinguishes the mood. Huge turn off. The day just goes downhill further. After dinner with his parents and siblings. I returned home, and O1 messages me on MSN. He tells me that I should CHANGE for him and next time I should help his mother out with cleaning and cooking. Look it was my first time meeting the parents situation. Sorry if I did not bring the dishes to the sink. I was still really nervous and blanked out. What ended the relationship was him telling me to change. I am sorry but that is a number rule in relationships. Do not tell someone to change. In doing so, the girl or guy seals the fate of the relationship. Sorry but I was not ready to be a “wife” material after just dating the guy for two weeks. My best advice, GET TO KNOW THE DUDE! There is no point in starting the relationship when you do not start out as friends. Play 50 questions or something. Just know the person for more than a month. Do not jump at something after just two weeks. That was my downfall during my first two relationships of University year one. I was glad I broke it off with O1 because when I was returning his jacket during class, my friend threw it back but it missed the table he was aiming for. My two friends and I started laughing and O1 got really pissed and stared right at me and yelled “Fucking pick that up!”. I continued to laugh with my friends and told him, that I was not the one who threw it and I was not planning to pick it up. The laughter and snickers did not help the situation on my part. The reason is because it probably made O1 think I was the culprit. What ever. I never picked up the jacket. I am just glad I found out he had a angry side after we broke up, and that I never saw O1’s angry side during the three weeks I was dating him. Who knows what the outcome was if we were still dating. Possible verbal abuse? Who knows. I am thankful there is an angel out there watching over me when I make mistakes.

The “Now”

I am happy to say after breaking up with O1, I had gone back to someone I had originally started talking to in the Winter back in the Uni days. I did not mention him in my past experiences because this is a special story. I will save the long story for another post. A quick summary for all the ones who do not like a cliffhanger… This guy is someone I met on a MMORPG (haha, yes that is my trending dating theme). I had stopped talking to this person for a month because I had decided the distance was too great to have a relationship. That is why I gave O1 a chance. However, I started to talk to this wonderful person again after O1 and I’s relationship ended. We seriously hit it off and talked from when we woke up to when we went to bed. This amazing guy does not get a code. For I will call him, mi amor. Mi amor and I talked for a solid half a year. Getting to know each other. To this day we are still happily in love and continuing strong. He is “my everything”.

Till my next post. 

I hoped this gives you a little insight of my journey through relationships. They are never easy and the biggest things to remember are:

  • Communication is always needed
  • Honesty best policy
  • Get to know the person for more than just a week or two
  • If a guy is a lemon, they stay a lemon. So toss it away and do not give it anymore chances or anymore of your time.
  • You will find the person you are meant to be with.
  • No such thing as perfect, but there is a “perfect” person that is meant for you.
  • Do not cave to pressure. Do what you feel is right and not right for the guy.

Love & Peace,

N